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The Patio Restaurant Play

by Tina Clay

Emma and Amanda are having lunch at a patio restaurant. Amanda is putting on make-up from a compact.

Amanda: I have a forehead!
Emma: Everyone has a forehead.
Amanda: That guy doesn't.

Emma winces in disgust.

The Hot Dog Play

by Tina Clay

Act I
Al and Ray are playing jacks. Both are large hairy tough looking men wearing dance leotards and brightly colored sun bonnets. Susan sits between them her hands tied with ropes and duct tape over her mouth.

Al: So are you and Bonnie having that garage sale this weekend?
Ray: Oo twoies--

Ray takes a jack and stabs it into Susan's cheek.

Ray: -- Yeah. We've got to get rid of all that old tennis equipment before Bonnie's mother shows up. Your go.

Al does threeies and jabs a jack in susan's other cheek.

Al: Does she still have that fear of tennis. I thought she saw a doctor about that.

Ray does fouries and sticks another jack in Susan's face.

Ray: She did but it didn't seem to help.

Al is about to go again when Bonnie enters. She's wearing a flowered apron. Her long blonde hair is poking out the back of a welder's mask.

Bonnie: Come on boys. Lunch is on the table.
Ray: Thanks honey. Let's eat Al.

Al jabs the whole handful of jacks into Susan's leg.

Al: Sounds good to me. I'm so hungery, I could eat a--
Al: Ray & Bonnie together: Hot dog! They all laugh together.
Bonnie: Well they're up on the table. Go!
Al: Alright!

Ray and Al leave.

Act II
Bonnie takes off the welder's mask and the blonde hair is attached. She is completely bald. She pulls the tape from Susan's mouth.

Bonnie: So how we doing?
Susan: Fine. I guess.

A Juggler enters wearing a cowboy hat and juggles three balls off to one side.

Bonnie: (to Susan) Would you like a cold drink?
Susan: Ok.
Bonnie: Super.

Bonnie goes to the fridge and opens a can of motor oil.
Susan: Could you untie my hands? I'm getting a cramp.
Bonnie: You know what's good for that? Yoga. It's super. Very relaxing.
Juggler: I don't think yoga's for everyone.
Bonnie: Well, nobody asked you. Now did they?

The juggler turns to face the wall. Bonnie takes a sip of the motor oil, unties Susan's hands and gives her the can.

Bonnie: There we go. Super. Now let's see if we can get those muscles loosened up.
Susan: Thanks.

Bonnie and Susan start doing yoga positions. The Juggler sits down, lights a cigarette and starts counting in French.

Bonnie: Now keep your back straight.
Susan: Like this?
Bonnie: Yeah. Super. Can't you just feel all the tension leaving your body?
Susan: I really can.

The Juggler is still counting and Bonnie and Susan continue doing yoga. Al and Ray burst in fighting and rolling on the floor hitting each other.

Al: I'm fatter!
Ray: No you're not. I'm fatter.
Al: You're not even fat. You just carry a lot of change in your pockets.
Ray: That's a lie! Take it back!
Bonnie: (to Susan) Are you afraid of tennis?
Susan: I don't think so why?
Juggler: I had an Aunt once who was scared of badmiton.
Bonnie: (sarcastically) That's VERY interesting.

The juggler goes back to counting. The men stop fighting as Ray's body goes limp.

Al: Oh my Lord! Ray's dead!
Bonnie: He is?

Bonnie picks up a pool cue and everyone gathers around Ray's body. She pokes at him.

Bonnie: Well that doesn't seem right.
Al: You don't think my hitting him in the throat had anything to with this do you?
Juggler: Not likely. It looks like a heart attack.
Bonnie: What? You're a doctor now?
Juggler: No. I'm not a doctor. I'm just saying it was more than likely the--

A black Baptist choir enters singing the Oscar Meyer hotdog theme song. Bonnie starts tap dancing and swinging the pool cue around wildly hitting everone. Al does the jogging dance from the movie Flashdance. Susan and the Juggler start to kiss passionately and several small children enter dressed as angels waving sparklers in the air. The lights go out and everything goes silent. The sparklers burn out.

Act IV
The lights come on to a long section of an aluminum air conditioning duct. Two men's feet stick out from either end. It's Ray and a man named Carl.

Ray: Where am I?
Carl: You're jammed inside a 10 foot section of air conditioner duct.
Ray: Why is that exactly?
Carl: Because you're dead.
Ray: Well that's not good news is it?
Carl: I'd have to say no pal.
Ray: Is this supposed to be heaven or hell?
Carl: No such luck.
Ray: What do you mean?
Carl: When you die, you get jammed into a 10 foot long section of air conditioner duct and that's it.
Ray: That's a bit of a let down.
Carl: Tell me about it.
Ray: And you're stuck here forever?
Carl: Well of course not. It would be pretty stupid to be jammed in an air conditioning duct forever. Wouldn't it?
Ray: Yes it would.

A very long silence.

Ray: So?
Carl: So what?
Ray: So how long do I have to stay in this thing?
Carl: About 45 minutes.
Ray: And then what?
Carl: Then you're reborn as a household appliance.
Ray: Appliances aren't born you idiot!

Carl: Aren't they? Aren't they?

Ray: How long have you been in here?

Carl: Oh it's been over 3 hours. Seen a bunch of you fellers come and go.
Ray: I thought you said people were only in here for 45 minutes?
Carl: Oh, I'm not dead. I'm the janitor. Somebody last night threw up in here and I'm just finishing up. You have a nice rebirth now you here.

Carl crawls out of the duct and leaves.

Ray: Wait. Come back.

There's another long silence. Ray starts to whistle and tap his feet. This continues until the full 45 minutes has past then the lights go out.

Act V
Bonnie and Al are in the kitchen playing three sided trivial pursuit with a blender. Susan and the Juggler are rolling around on the floor kissing passionately. Some of the jacks from Susan's face have transfered over to the Juggler. The children dressed as angels are smoking big cigars and pulling jacks out to play on the floor.

Bonnie: Hey Al. It was a great idea to use this blender to fill in for Ray. It's almost like he's here.
Al: I know. It's eerie how the blender can answer all the same questions as Ray. Do you miss him?

One of the children's cigars sets another's angel costume on fire. They run around screaming and setting the drapes and tablecloth on fire.

Bonnie: Sometimes I really do.
Al: Do you think you'll ever be together again.

Bonnie shakes the die and rolls. The flames are covering everything.

Bonnie: I'm sure I-- oh look a 3. I'm going for a piece of pie. Science and nature.

The lights go out.

Act VI
In the center of the stage is a small plastic model of the house that's burning. It's allowed to melt and burn completely out filling the theater with horrible black smoke. 45 minutes pass in complete darkness.

The lights come up on a blender, a toaster, a coffee maker, a fax machine covered in jacks and a wooden butter churn wearing a cowboy hat.

The End

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